Originally when I thought of using this as a title, I was going to talk about how it’s a shame that with some songs, I love the lyrics but hate the melodies, or vice versa (which is less common for me) however it’s with a heavy heart that this has now turned into something less light and happy and something a little more depressing.
I went back to Maryland for my first visit in a year. I didn’t have the sudden culture shock like everyone kept saying I was going to have. Yes I still have to remember that I swipe my own card, and try to do my best when cashiers try to engage in conversation. But other than a few simple things I’ve adjusted well.
However my first three days here I was bed ridden with the stomach flu I picked up on the way here and even had to go to the hospital. It really ruined a lot of my plans and now I’ll have to figure out what to do with the bill when it comes in.
Then we had a huge snow storm which I usually don’t mind but the plows didn’t come for 3 days and I had things that I needed to do. I never made it to church or the massages I had booked and I had to redo my Philadelphia trip.
Sadly that wasn’t even the worst part of this trip.
Growing up my mom and I would fight and it lasted until I a few years ago when I thought we developed more of an adult relationship. When she came to visit with my dad in Korea it was an amazing week where nothing went wrong.
I guess I was naive thinking that coming back to Maryland was going to be just as great. But once again we got back into old routine. She doesn’t understand I’m joking and then gets all offended and then says that I am an ungrateful spoiled brat.Then she gets it into her head that she’s trying to control my life (where the fuck did this thought come from??) and that she should just let me do what I want.
This time it stemmed from the fact that my old friend wanted to bring her boyfriend that I never met to our dinner. I was a little annoyed that this would be the first time we’ve seen each other in a year and might not see each other for another year or more. But according to my mom I am being selfish and need to understand that she has a boyfriend whom she wants me to meet. It then blew up from there, where yet again she wasn’t abel to just say “yeah that’s not cool” or ” you shouldn’t have to entertain someone you don’t know in your limited time here” like all my other friends. At first I thought maybe I was being unreasonable but when I talked to all my friends who have no problem being straight with me, it was clear that my mom was wrong.
Sadly this continued to blow up and we spent the 3 hour ride to my grandpa’s house in silence. My grandpa and I don’t really have a loving relationship I guess you could say. Ever since I went to college I feel like I’m a failure to him-anytime I think I’m going to do something that he will be proud of he has to counter it by saying what he did when he was younger and how that was better.
I don’t care at this point anymore and just let him say what he wants to. But apparently this is rude according to my mom. The last time I tried to speak my mind with my grandpa and his wife I was rude…can’t win apparently. I also wanted to listen to them. They’ve been sick and I’ve always been more of a listener.
I don’t mean to sound like a 100% bitch but those who are quiet are listening, allowing people who love to talk make asses out of themselves, and the smart ones don’t.
when we got back in the car, she swore at me, told me she was basically done with me and my life and trying to be the best mom she could be etc. I explained my side and we talked for a little but I knew at that point, the relationship was officially over.
I got yelled at because I chose to sit in silence rather than make things worse with snarky comments. This apparently was rude as hell.
Then I got yelled at because I was ungrateful and never thanked her for driving me. Well the trip hadn’t finished yet and I was planning on buying her lunch and spending time together when we got back. That never happened.
I managed to try to make the best of it. When we were in Philadelphia she abandoned me in the hotel room and I did what I had to do, visited my old school and saw my friends. Then this morning she tried two times to act like things were better.
This goes back to the root of the problem. I’m not a person who likes to pretend or bullshit. I tried it in Korea and it was exhausting and wound up just making me unhappy and friends that I don’t really care about.
When I was civil but short, that caused more problems. I thought being civil was being more than generous to her but clearly it was rude. I told her the day before, the relationship is fractured and I don’t care to fix it. I’m not the parent. I will go on, have a life and a family, and if she wants to be a part of that she has to reach out to me.
It’s a shame that she ruined the last few days of my vacation and our relationship but I read articles that say sometimes when our parents are toxic in our lives it’s best to let them go. I find this is true with my friends in life. It’s just a little different with family.
I understand that time and distance may heal, but I will NEVER forgive her for ruining these last few days here. Not only is she ruining any fun I will try to have with my friends here because this will weigh on my mind, but she is also ruining the last few days we may see each other for a few years. And that’s what I will never forgive her for. It’s not the fact that I’m on vacation or that I am even in my childhood home.
It’s the fact that I don’t know when the next time I will see her or my dad or Logan -I don’t really want to come back and may not have the money (or want to spend the money and time and vacation days) to come back for a few years. And I know she won’t be coming to Korea any time soon so … I guess I won’t be seeing my family for a few years. And this is how it will end. And that’s what I will always be unable to forgive.
I have one good friend who has a strained relationship with her parents and she came back to America the same time I did but she had been gone for a year and a half. She told me day 1 she knew that she was ready to go back. She only felt happy when she went to visit her grandmother. It’s strange to think that my relationship will be like that from now on.
People thought it was strange that I would talk so much with my mom but I guess now I will be like all my other friends who Skype maybe once ever few months and that’s it.
I guess when I get back to Korea I will ready start focusing on developing my future life there and establishing a solid community. My good friends don’t live so close but we always have events that keep us busy. I have already planned to do some traveling as well that will keep my busy.
So it’s with a heavy heart that I will be doing all my errands alone, and spending time quietly in my room. I guess if I have to be in a place where I’m going to not talk to anyone , I’d rather be in my apartment where I don’t have to walk on tension filled eggshells.
Saturday cannot get here fast enough.