Let It Go

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I’ve never been someone who was obsessed with Frozen. I didn’t find it revolutionary or overly original and the songs got on my nerves before I even saw the movie. (My friend forced me to watch it as a goodbye gift).

However, it’s now that I find that the song is one that fits how I feel now.

I spent the day doing the things that I needed: buying what I needed, seeing some friends, packing while watching TV. And I did this all alone.

At first I found this slightly sad and lonely and I felt angry. My mom still playing the victim has now decided that she will “let me do” my thing..whatever that is.

She still doesn’t get it. She is still under the impression that I want to be free and do my own thing and go places alone. Uh hello-if I wanted to do that why the hell would I fly 20 hours and spend 1200$ to do so.

I spend a lot of time alone, without any hugs or anything of the sort, in Korea which is fine and I’m used to it.  So the last thing I would want to do when I’m home is be alone without anyone to offer to come shopping with me or spend time with me.

It’s sad that she still just doesn’t get it. I guess I’m abnormal-if I wasn’t going to see my child or close family member for at least 1 year or possible more than that, I wouldn’t spend the the final few days avoiding them. I would try to spend as much time with them.

 

Then I realized, that I need to just…let it go.

I’ve always struggled with holding onto grudges. And I used to be slightly vengeful about it. Then I learned in my time in Korea that while I don’t need to hold grudges….I don’t necessarily need to be Ms. Forgive and Forget.

Even though Vanderpump Rules is as about as Trashy as you can get, I did get some valuable advice: “you do you and I’ll do me.”

 

I take this as, I have no ill will towards you, but don’t expect me to reach out to you. Like with two of my new friends in Korea who haven’t reached out in weeks, I can’t waste my time waiting around for people to get it.

I have to now move forward with my life. If those friends choose to be apart of it, it’s on them to make it right .

It’s always harder with family.

You expect that family is supposed to love you unconditionally and always support you. They are always the ones that are supposed to reassure you and reach out and try. But passive aggressiveness and lack of acknowledging the problem and actively trying to fix it…it’s then that you have to just “let it go”.

My mom despite “hearing” me still doesn’t get it. She still thinks that it’s this “I’m trying to control your life and I’m too much in your life I need to back off”. She has no clue and no amount of talking will she understand. And I can’t make her which is the sad part. Hopefully when she doesn’t see her daughter for 1-3 years or is effectively uninformed of my life, she will finally get it.

 

I only have 24 hours left in this house with my family and the fact that she chooses to spend it in silence and civil manner with passive aggressive notes just solidifies my belief that I have decided right. If there is any possibility of mending this relationship it really will depend on how she manages it. It’s more than just an apology of any sort. Words don’t mean a thing when there are no actions connected to it. Not only did she ruin my final 5 days here, but  5 days that we could have spent together. And that’s something that as I mentioned before, I can never forgive.  Making up for that will include something that is beyond what I can imagine at the moment.

 

After much inner turmoil, and agony and pain and unstable emotions, I have come to the decision that I will have to react to this the same as any other failed relationship. It’s the same feeling when my friends bailed on my two weekends in a row and failed to invite me out.

I felt sad and confused and upset. And then I realized why am I relying on someone else to make me happy? I have to do me.  And all the other crap, pain, disgust, hurt….I have to just…let it go.

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