snowish [adj]


Despite the fact that I have indeed modeled my title after the hysterical show ‘blackish‘ today will not be all about snow.

But it just so happens that its snowing in Korea and back in the states (at least the mid atlantic).

My co put it perfectly when I showed him the pictures of the 3 feet of snow that occurred last month.  He said “oh it’s not romantic anymore”. Yes shoveling out a driveway as long as soccer field (I exaggerate…but it sure as hell feels like it) of three feet of snow was in no way romantic. Nor was the fact that parking was extremely limited, grocery stores were picked over, and I had nothing to do but to stay in my house, bake brownies, eat said brownies and then feel about it.

I wouldn’t quite say I hate snow now, but I’m most certainly past the point of walking around with a stupid grin on my face, and listening to the Nutcracker Suite.

Go away snow. You’re not cute.

Yes you look pretty outside my window while I’m warm in my (too warm) office. But I still have to drive home.

As my “one year anniversary” becomes closer (the only one I’ll ever have! sob!) I am remembering just how bad things seemed a little over a year ago.

I have a friend now who is struggling. I was about her age, going through a rough time. I felt stuck in my job with nowhere to go. I was living in my parent’s house living pay check to pay check with no real direction.

It’s hard when you are stuck in a rut like that. The things you want seem so unattainable that you stop trying to even bother. Then you become depressed about it and just forget about all the amazing plans you made for your future when you were younger.

Going through that is hard-I know but being the support is hard as well. No matter what you say or how much support you give them, you know it’s got to come from them. You don’t want to be negative and say “maybe you should give up on you dream and do things that will bring in money and give you a comfortable life.” It won’t help them and you shouldn’t discourage people from giving up their dreams.

But at the same time, if they are depressed and not looking forward, being held back then you want to tell them that sometimes you have to take a job that you might not want to help jump start a new future. It doesn’t have to be you permanent future job and it doesn’t have to be for 5 years.

I had worked at a job bringing in so so wage.  I loved being around the animals and having the comfort of knowing what I was doing. But I wasn’t being treated well and I got passed over for a position by someone from the outside who not only stole dogs medications but also was clearly on some sort of drug.

The slowly deteriorating job combined with the fact that I still had yet to finish my degree (i had a years worth of spanish to complete) made me realize I was going no where.

It was a decision I should have made earlier but I made it in time. I quit (before I eve really had a new job lined up) and took a month vacation before starting the new job. Despite crazy hours and some strange co workers I really loved the new job as well. I still got to be around animals and take care of them. I got comfortable in the job as well.

With my new hours I even managed to go back to school. I made all the efforts into contacting my school to make sure they would accept the credits, drained my savings to pay for the credits as well. (I also had to deal with a sexist guidance counselour who was such an asshole I even wrote a letter to school about him…after I graduated of course)

I was back on track!

But the problem was the money still. It didn’t allow me the ability to survive on my paycheck and live a comfortable lifestlye. The only way would be to become a full time groomer. Even though I had several people tell me I would be great, I really felt no confidence in my abilities.

I mean hey holding down and buffing nails of an angry, biting pug is one thing but shaving a down down with heavy matting and trimming it to look like a picture? Uh no. I’ve managed to mangle my bangs several times.  I mean I can’t even cut the lines for snowflake cuts outs!

It was around that time I knew I needed to make a change. So I worked my ass off, applied to several different Korean teaching programs (was let down a few times) before finally managing to secure one. It was my first “big girl” job as people tend to call it-I guess that means you are salaried and now hourly?

When I think how far I’ve come in the past 5 years I’m amazed. I never thought I would be a teacher as well (I still prefer animals over humans anyday). But what I’m so impressed by is the fact that I made it out of the rut on my own. It didn’t matter what people told me, I had to make the decisions myself.

I had to have the drive. I made the choice to go back to school to finish the degree. I made all the applications and phone calls to learn about how to become an English teacher in Korea.

It was the most demanding summer of my life. Between work/school/certification I had no life for about 3 months. But I knew what the other choice would have been.

So I suffered through it and managed to come up with a pretty great life.

Teaching will most likely not be my final job destination. It’s more like a layover for now. But I’m okay with putting my dreams and aspirations on hold while I figure out what and how I can achieve it.

But some people are not. Which is fine. If they want to continue to hack at it and dig in deep for the hard road then all the more power to them. But what becomes draining on those who sit and witness it, is that we feel helpless. And we become angry.

I love my friend and have supported her through so much. And I know she needs to be the one to make the decision no matter how much I try to help her. But she has chosen to stick it out and make this music thing work. She made that choice. So I don’t know how to respond when she’s upset and depressed about her life.

She knows its going to take time and a lot of work. Her immidieate situation isn’t going to improve most likely. She is going to have to be working hourly wage jobs and maybe continue living with her parents. And she can be annoyed by it some days or sad but to constantly be in depression about it to the point where it’s now affecting and draining me, pushing me to the point of annoyance, isn’t good.

Even though there is motivation there, it’s going away and things I suggest she seems like she just doesn’t want to do it anymore. Not that she’s lazy but now she’s feeling so beat down that she thinks nothing will come of any of her auditions. Her negative way of thinking is making me less sympathetic to her problems which isn’t where a friend really wants to be.

Because I’ve been mostly honest about how I feel and have given her more support than I’ve ever given any friend (usually I’m a little blunt and just tell them what I think/truth/my honest opinion they asked for) so I don’t want to all of a sudden be this person who is like that. I think it would confuse and hurt her.

I wish I could just tell her you need to make a choice: either “grow up” and suck it up and take the job that maybe not what you’re looking for now but will give you a better lifestyle than what you are going through now, or stick it out and stand by your decision without complaining how hard life is and how much you hate your situation and job.

But I can never say this to her. She is so sensitive she would then get upset, shut down and not talk about any of this with me again. One of our friends already told her to “grow up and get a real job”. And she’s told me that her family implies this as well.

So I don’t want to be someone who is like that. As much as I think it. As much as I really want to be able to be myself and say “make a choice or please stop whining about it” I just can’t.

So I’ll simply leave it here.

Wow..that became way more of a thing than I thought it would be. I guess that’s what happens when you bottle all of that inside you with no one to let it out to (I don’t want to be THAT friend). Hopefully tomorrow’s post will be more lighthearted…actually I hope something happens between now and tomorrow because I have literally nothing to write about…that’s how exciting my life is right now.